Takiwātanga. Saying goodnight to Finneas 08.06.2026

 He pulled me in close tonight. Held my arm steadily while I laid down under the blanket and tucked him into it at the same time. His sweet smile captivating me, drawing me in and holding me there.”Goo Night” “Sweedreams” he cooed, and I repeated it back. “Good night, my beautiful boy” “Sweet dreams”, “I love you…” I longingly held the silence that fell after those words. It seems easy enough to say, but yet, somehow just out of reach for Finneas.

Takiwātanga. In his own time and space. 

I feel that longing so often these days. Not just for the words I hope he will oneday say, but for the education I hope he will one day be on track to receive, for the self-sufficiency I hope he one day is able to achieve - tie his shoes, get himself dressed, wipe his own bum. 

Buried in the covers at this moment, I felt all that longing as any parent might have hope for their child, but also felt it more distantly, I’d say at arms length, as I enjoyed the cuddles and the sweet exchanges we made with our eyes, murmured words and our giggles.

This felt in complete contrast to the letter of concern we sent to the paediatrician written by Finneas’ teacher. I could feel her frustration in every word of it. “Biting, scratching, dropping his body to the floor”, these words are not unfamiliar to us at all. We’ve heard this and seen it with our own eyes. How Finneas communicates when he feels like he has no other choice.

He doesn’t understand how to share properly, so we often hear about his tussles over toys and other highly popular items in the classroom. He doesn’t transition well, so we often hear that he’s not allowing the teachers to lead him from one activity to another. 

When he’s engaged with something, he’s really engaged, if it is a special interest - nursery rhymes, xylophone, books, but he decides if he’s interested or not, and he decides if he’ll engage or not. There’s almost no coaxing Finneas to do ANYTHING he doesn’t enjoy doing.   

I actually admire Finneas for this steadfastness and certainty of mind. But it’s not conducive to a learning environment, he’s not playing by their rules. He does like to clean up though - he puts rubbish in the bin, and wipes up spills with a teatowel. That’s got to count for something, right? 

Sometimes I feel these things, these bad awful things. I feel them strong, I feel them heavy, and I feel choked up thinking about what the future holds for us. But I can’t dwell on this for long. 

Takiwātanga. He’s going to let us know the time and place when he’s ready. I can’t rely on milestones or developmental guidelines. In his own time, on his own terms, he will emerge.

I am excited for the coming weekend. We’re taking Tobias and Finneas to see Disney on Ice. This will be Tobias’ second time, but Finneas’ first. I am bracing myself in case he decides he wants to run onto the ice, but I’m sure they have security for that. Haha. It wouldn’t surprise me though. He loves to spin, and I’m sure he will see a lot of that on the ice. I’d love to take him skating one day. Takiwātanga.