Neurodiversity - what's that? What's in my head right now?

It's been a long while since I've felt I've had anything meaningful to write about. I'm not even sure that I have anything substantial to put forth right now. 

I just know that there's been times in my life when I've felt like I'm at breaking point; times when I've felt a sense of despair and hopelessness. In most of those times, it has helped to put my thoughts down in words. 

Whether anybody reads them or not. 

So here goes... 

What could possibly be going through my head right now? Vikki, the bubbly, genuinly happy-go-lucky babe, who seems to have it all figured out right? 

Soooo not the case right now. At least internally. I'm feeling a sense of loss. Loss of what? Loss of self, loss of identity. It's not as if I'm living in a refugee camp somewhere in the world with no access to clean water or feminine hygiene products. I have to keep telling myself. Perspective. 

But to me, things feel kind of cyclical. Like I'm one of those hampsters spinning on a wheel. I'm trying to enjoy the time I have with my two little boys before they all of a sudden grow up and decide that 'mum's a meany'. But I feel a bit trapped. I do. It's just how my life is turning out, or not turning out really. 

 I always felt I was meant to do something important. Be a role-model, a spokeswoman, someone who had the ear of the community and carried the voice of the people. I feel so far from that these days. I feel as if I'm ignored, disregarded, even disbelieved. What do I mean by that last one? Disbelieved? 

I'll give you an example:

I've been applying for jobs recently, you know, practicing my interviewing technique, doing up my resume, preparing to re-enter the workforce. I even had some HR help in reformatting the old resume (You know who you are, thank you!). But in saying that, it just seems unbelieveable. That I, this 30 something person with a University degree and career that spans 15 years in varying capacities and industries, could possibly be out-of-work. 

I feel like when I talk about the things I've been through and my past experience, that I'm somehow disbelieved (as I said earlier). And therefore I wonder if some of that might be the reason why I'm not having much luck in interviews, even prior to that, when they look at my resume. Does something look not quite real? Maybe I don't even believe it myself? Woah. 

Another thing that happened actually in the last interview I went to, is that they asked me how I planned to juggle the workload with a young family? I told my mum this, and she actually couldn't believe that they would ask this. Apparently, I don't know if this is a law or just an unwritten rule these days, but they shouldn't be allowed to ask a question like that, as it shouldn't be a factor as to whether or not I can handle the job. Childcare is something that we have options for these days. 

I have been watching The Queens Gambit recently. God, if I was born in that time (the 50's), I think I would have killed myself. Either that or been sent to the looney bin where all the other "loud" "aggressive" women were detained. I think there's definitely a reason I grew up in the 90's - 2000's. However, if we are still being asked in 2020 "How do you plan to juggle the kids?" are we really as a society as woke as we claim to be? Thoughts, thoughts. 

I learned a new word this week: Neurodiversity 

This terminology was used in one companies application process as one of those checkboxes that say "checking this box will not affect your application but will be taken into consideration" or something like that. 

What does it mean? It's basically referring to the broad spectrum of ways that we can be neurologically diverse. I think in place of using a term like mental illness or special needs? What a nice way to put it into a checkbox. Neurodiversity. 

So what it refers to is things like Autism, ADHD, Anxiety, OCD, Tourettes Syndrome, Developmental Co-ordination disorder, other specific learning difficulties ++ and more... 

As you can see, some of these things are pretty extreme and in variance of their degrees to which they would affect ones abilities to perform the tasks that someone who wasn't on the spectrum might not be affected. Previously there was another term used to describe these conditions: 

Mental Illness.

Mental illness is such a scary term, because it implies that there is something wrong with the way you are wired. It implies that what you're going through is a sickness that is in need of a cure, rather than a diversity that just needed some context and understanding to get to the bottom of what you truly need to be able to function.

ADHD - when I was 19 I saw a psychiatrist who put me into this category. I had always struggled with my attention span, particularly as I got into my teens and the subjects at school became more complex. I was prescribed dexamphetamine and this got me through a 1 year course I was doing. 

I managed to focus and do well in most of my assessments. But I felt off, I felt boring, I didn't feel like myself. So after I completed that course I stopped taking the medication and I didn't look back. I even completed 5 years at University after that and wasn't medicated at all. Well except for excess amounts of caffeine. 

I was messy, highly stressed out and multi-tasking to the nth degree during all of this. 

Anxiety - If you've read my positive birthing story from when Tobias was born, you would know that at the time I was diagnosed with severe anxiety. I am now on a prescription to manage that and I actually feel it has been much more beneficial than the medication I was prescribed for ADHD. But I guess we don't know what we don't know. 

Maybe I'm a bit of both? The Anxiety medication, I've found, has helped with both of these conditions more than the ADHD medication which just helped me to be very tunnel vision. 

I have been coping I guess. Coping with being on the Neurodiverse spectrum? And yet, not coping. Feeling frustrated. I feel like one of those kids who can't use their words yet, and I'm just screaming from the inside to be understood. 

A friend of mine would often say that her kids were both 'on the spectrum' and I never really understood this, but I'm guessing I can relate to them, more than I realised, more than she knows probably. 

If anyone else can relate, I would love to hear from you. Some words of wisdom, or even a sympathetic, 'I see you sis!' will do.

<3 Vikki 

Email:            msg.vikkigiles@gmail.com

Instagram:     @vikki.dance.lyf