Why does she have that look on her face?

Some raw and real emotions from a new mum. 

By Victoria Giles

Becoming a mum opened me up to a whole new world. A world filled of nappies & breastfeeding, broken sleep & sore boobs. Also full of big smiles, warm cuddles, tiny fingers and tiny toes and many amazing moments that literally take my breath away.

Becoming a mum also gave me a whole new set of emotions. These new emotions come in a mixed bag of bitter, sweet & salty. It's as if some part of my personality unlocked itself when my baby Tobias entered the world. I was not prepared for this and sometimes I have no idea how to deal with these feelings. They are a set of emotions I never knew existed, that only another mother could possibly truly understand.

So if you're ever in the presence of a new mum and you're wondering why she has that look on her face, I'm hoping I can break it down for you here. An explanation of how she might possibly be feeling.


#1 The "Don't Take Him Away From Me" reluctance face:

• This face is a mixture of puzzled, insulted and sadness  

• This face will appear usually when a bubba is crying or waking up and a well-meaning relative or friend attempts to take him off you or pick him up themselves in an attempt to "take him off your hands" but you're still in the zone of trying to figure out what he needs.

I personally have felt this emotion on a few occasions. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate all the love and support we've received from our family and friends in the past few months. And there have been more times than I can count where I've been grateful to Dan (my partner) or another relative or friend taking over from me when I've needed a break. Tobias is a great baby, he loves being passed around the gathering from warm hugs to tickles and giggles. I feel like this emotion only comes out of me when bub is first waking up or when I'm in the middle of my 'nappy?, boob?, burp?, wind? (and now, water?)' routine.

Please family & friends, don't take this one personally, but if you see this face on a new mum, have some compassion. Leave the child with her until she's figured out her course of action. You can make suggestions but chances are new mum is tuning you out and concentrating on listening to her baby.

#2 The "I Don't Agree With the Advice You're Giving Me" awkward cringe/smile combination face:

• This face is a weak smile mixed with worried eyes that don't quite meet those of the person giving advice, sneaking desperate glances at a partner if they are around.
  
• This face is often mistaken for a real smile by the advice giver because new mum is trying to be polite and listen to what they are saying while on the inside she's screaming "JUST STOP TALKING NOW BEFORE I SNAP!"
  
• New mumma will stop legitimately responding to your conversation cues opting for a single "mmhmmm" response.
  
• It is usually an emotion that only emerges around other mums who've "been there before" and symptoms are usually worse if in response to advice from someone who is not a mum. 

Tobias has a cousin Amara who was born two days after him. These two kids could not be more different. What works for Tobias doesn't work for Amara. What works for Amara doesn't work for Tobias. Most mums I've spoken to who have 2 or more kids have said the same thing to me. That each of their children were completely different and like learning a whole new bunch of lessons each time.

I think Catherine (my sister) and I have both at various times tried to give each other advice and both of us have experienced this emotion. From each other and from other mums. Even people who have never been Mums but think that there's just a logical formula to success with a child. NO.

Advice is fine. As humans we love to give suggestions because we are all legitimately trying to help. By now I'm sure you can guess that I too have been guilty of oversharing my opinions, but hey, I'm a writer. You can choose not to read if you like. :P I think the key is to check the face of the mum you're talking to. If she's looking away, weak awkward smile that doesn't reach her eyes, going "mmmhmmm" a lot, it could be this emotion hinting that she's not really enjoying this or that particular piece of advice.

#3 The 'I Just Woke Up From a Bad Dream About My Child' face:

• The look on her face is a mixture of panic and urgency
• This face also comes with a spring out of bed and (if not co-sleeping) is followed by a sprint into the room where ever the child is sleeping
• This face is panicky and sometimes teary as well
• I've also found myself in this state trembling, literally violently shaking upon waking up from such dreams

I know it's silly to be scared about our dreams. Talking about it now feels silly because it wasn't even real. But in the moment, after you've seen in your mind your child launching themselves off a building or being chased by a predator, in that moment it feels very very real.

In the first couple of weeks of being a new mother I was having very vivid chilling nightmares. They started when I was still in hospital with my little man. They came to me night and day, basically whenever I closed my eyes. This emotion, the wave of panic that takes over, it's mortifying. I don't know if all other mothers have experienced this one, but suffering with anxiety, this one gave me intensified angst.

My partner Dan and his brother Denver copped a full shot of me live in action one night. I was woken up by a nightmare (the jumping off a building one - yep that was one of mine) and ran out disoriented. Tobias wasn't in his crib *gasps* panic! Panic! I looked around and the two boys were in Denver's room feeding Tobias because they didn't want to wake me (very sweet of them 😊). I must have had wild eyes though 😂😂 I think I probably looked angry but I was really just upset by the dream.

It's hard to understand this emotion, because reality and delusion become blurred. Just be kind to this new mum if you find her in this state (be kind to her always). In her mind the fear will be very real.


#4 The 'Mumma Bear' instinct:

This emotion you've possibly heard of before. It's something that was mentioned in the Pregnancy/Birthing classes.

• It is a real feeling of protectiveness and ferocity. Like the mumma bear protects her cubs, you would do the same for your little one. Where you would lay down your life for them and you are their fiercest defender. 
• It is difficult - but not impossible - to reason with the mumma bear. 
• She is only in this state when she feels threatened or that something is threatening her child. 

I physically put myself between Tobias’ stroller and a complete stranger once. Please lady! If you haven't even said 'hi' to me and I have no idea who the hell you are.... Don't touch my kid! I don't care how old you are!

So in reality this face looks more like a ferocious monster face than a bear, but please remember she's programmed that way, so don't mess with her child! If you back away slowly you might just survive.


#5 The ‘Looking Down and Seeing Your Child Has Finally Fallen Asleep’ silent ecstasy face:

Most of the emotions I've mentioned so far have dealt with the feelings of protectiveness, fear, anxiety, worry and anger. Not much positivity there. But being a mum is full of many positive emotions as well. This one is a very very positive one.

This emotion appears when:

• You look down and see that your child has finally fallen asleep
• You are so excited but can't jump for joy or sing out loud for fear of waking said child
• A big smile will spread across new mum's face, reaching her eyes as she breathes a sigh of relief. 

Tobias has been going through a change recently. For the past few months he's almost always fallen asleep on the boob. It was a nice gooey feeling when I'd see his mouth droop open, a stream of milk leaking out the side and dribbling down his cheek. Lately he's been doing this less, and sometimes requires extra patting, rocking and lullabies to go down. The first time I sang him to sleep I can't even begin to describe the sense of pride that welled inside me. 

I feel bad for Tobias as when I'm in the moment I can only ever remember 2 verses to a nursery rhyme, that's not even a nursery rhyme it's a Christmas carol. But anyway, nothing was working so I decided to give my feeble attempt at a lullaby a go. I walked around the apartment, singing the same two verses over and over. I think it might have been the 5th or 6th time round I looked down and noticed his eyes were drooping, his head was getting heavier in my arms. He gave way to sleep. The mixture of pride, relief, happiness and sense of accomplishment overflowed from me that night. I've felt all of these emotions before, but never like this. It's overwhelming, it validates you. You feel strong because you were able to successfully help your child.

If you ever see this face on a mum... don't make any sudden loud noises! Chances are if you wake her sleeping bubba after one of these triumphs, you will also wake the Mumma Bear in her. :P

#6 The '5th Chamber in My Heart' love for my child:

You know this emotion is pretty difficult to describe, even though it seems like a fairly simple concept. My friend Aleisha first described this to me after having her two children, when I was pregnant. She said that when she had her children, each of them opened up a new part of her. It wasn't as if her love was divided between her partner and her 1st and 2nd child. It's like a new chamber of love was created for each of them when they were born.

Now that I have my own little bubba I can totally understand this feeling. It's as if a new compartment inside me has opened up with a new unlimited love supply. My love for Danilo is still the same, but now I have more capacity to love my newborn. My heart now has a metaphorical 5th chamber. It's an incredible feeling, and it probably looks like my smile is wider, my eyes are more sparkley and there is no length I wouldn't go to for this little guy.

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These are all the emotions I wanted to address today, I know there are many more that I've forgotten to include, as they come and go. Sometimes I'll experience something once, then maybe not feel the same thing for another few months.

If you have some that you'd like to add, feel free to leave a comment or email me victoriagiles99@gmail.com  I'd love to hear what faces you are making and new emotions you've experienced since having your little one(s).