The 4 things that helped me cope through pregnancy & giving birth
The positive birth story of Tobias Alberto
by Victoria Giles
If you are reading this maybe it's because you are expecting your first child. Are you are feeling a bit lost? Unsure or even having doubts? That’s okay. I promise you, you are 100% completely normal. :) Perhaps you are expecting your second or third… or 5th beautiful little bundle of joy but you are also experiencing some of the above feelings or you are simply just in need of a bit of cheering up. 
This is the positive birth story of Tobias Alberto and his parents Victoria & Danilo. Whether you are an expecting mother, father or relative of someone going through this amazing life change, I hope that the story I’m about to tell brings comfort even in some small way. I’ve also included 4 tips on what I did, as an unsure, lost, and sometimes - yes - frightened expecting mother, to overcome some of those fears and uncertainties. I hope this brings some peace and happiness to you. I look back and I only feel proud, positive & grateful for this journey.
Finding out
The day I took the test Danilo (Dan) was out at work. I didn't know for sure, I just had a feeling as I was about a week late *I think. I took one test, the line was there - pregnant - but it was faint. I couldn't be sure that the line was really there. So I took another test. The same faint line appeared. I was nervous. I had wanted this, right? I had stopped taking the pill 2 months ago, I was eating a Ketogenic diet which meant I was feeling very healthy and natural. I was sure that if these tests were accurate, I wanted this.
I kept thinking about Dan though. What would his reaction be? We've been together 4 years. Is that long enough? He's a few years younger than me. Is he ready? I held onto the news, hid the tests and booked myself a doctors appointment. I wasn't going to tell Dan until after the doctor confirmed, however the night before the appointment I was feeling nervous and had butterflies in my stomach. I think it was about 9pm on a Thursday night. Dan couldn't touch me without me shaking, trembling, heart pounding. I started tearing up. I think I mumbled the word “Embarazada” - Spanish for pregnant. Dan, being Dan, didn't let on straight away that he knew what I'd said. So in English I repeated ‘We might be having a baby’. I can’t remember how the next few moments went in the order exactly but there was hugging, kisses, tears and reassurance. The tears were a mixture of joy (from both of us) and relief (from my eyes) as I was so uncertain - even though I had no reason to be - of what his reaction would be. *Phew* big sigh. He’s happy, we’re doing this! …. Oh gosh, we’re doing this!?!
-- side note to the story: A week after giving birth I was diagnosed with Anxiety. I’m not going to deny that so much of my pregnancy was full of back and forth emotions, worries and doubts. But I’m sitting here now with my beautiful healthy 2 month old Tobias and can confidently say - whatever stage you’re at - you can do this! --
The next day at the doctor’s office, my GP didn’t even question the fact that I thought I was pregnant. It was just a fact. You’re pregnant, now this is what you need to do next (ultrasound, start on pregnancy vitamins). I was a little bit in disbelief. These tests which were so faint and to me seemed a bit sketchy were absolute and affirmative in this doctors mind.
As I mentioned earlier I was un-diagnosed living with anxiety and a soon to become a mother, but I was also determined to make my experience as positive and pleasant as possible (ha ha! You may be chuckling to yourself and that's okay. Permission to laugh at my optimism - granted). In a way, I self-diagnosed without realising what my ailment was - I naively thought that my situation was the ailment (pregnancy). However I’m by nature a planner so i began researching and took myself on a journey by putting in place some mechanisms to help me cope. So here they are -
In the final months leading up to Tobias’ birth it was getting harder to go out to my normal social activities. I was fidgety and uncomfortable - other mums may have different experiences - I had heartburn, bruised ribs and generally felt awkward going out to things like dancing, exercise classes and other gatherings where the main conversation would consist of “wow, you don’t even look pregnant” (yeah, right!), “how long have you got to go?” “make sure you get sleep now, while you can!” (I was already having trouble sleeping because of the bump and the aforementioned predicaments).
Staying at home was making me a bit stir crazy. I was reading, netflix + chilling, researching babies and how to care for them, but still there were times when I’d just want my mind to stop worrying *anxiety*. I wanted to shut off. Then something popped up on my facebook feed and I was like, “that’s easy. I can do that”. It was a Friendship Bracelet tutorial, specifically for the ‘rope bracelets’.
I bought some rainbow wool and began spinning these out. Choosing different lengths, trying to match up the colours to make different patterns. I was amused by the video tag line “try this cool NEW trend” he he. Being 30 years of age, this was a nostalgic return to my youth, but hey I’m glad a new generation is discovering the same fun that we once had with skoobies. Spinning the wheel and producing something so colourful was soothing and helped keep me sane. I was also playing a lot of phone games and sketching. These are just some of my other mind occupying past-times.
If I can offer any advice to expecting mothers, don’t pressure yourself to keep to your usual social schedule. If you can keep it up, that’s so great and I am super impressed! :) But for those of you struggling, wanting to hide away some days, I say that’s absolutely 100% fine too. But it does get a bit lonely (although you’re not really alone *wink wink*) and it helps to have some mindful hobbies to keep you calm and peaceful while you’re in your hidey hole.
Dancing around the birthing suite
This second tip is probably not for everyone, but for me it was super helpful and a wonderful, fun, approach to my birthing day. To give you a bit of back story, I am a dancer. For the past 6 years I’ve been teaching Zumba Fitness and participating in other social dance activities and festivals. I love to dance and it was one of my fears/worries that being pregnant and going through labour would change me. It did change me, but my love of dancing hasn’t changed. Sure it’s more difficult to get to classes/social events right now while I’m taking care of a little bub, but it’s not impossible. I’ve been to as many as my body/bubby allows and have plans to continue, even get back to teaching at some point in the not too distant future.
Going back to my pregnancy, I was feeling my body changing and unable to continue with my usual activities, I still wanted to do something. Then about 5 months pregnant, I’d seen a friend advertising her Birth Dancing classes. She is a bellydance teacher, so I was intrigued and thought, ‘this is something that I can definitely do, to keep me dancing at least’. The couple of lessons I went to ended up being private lessons. Rachel, the teacher, took me through a number of belly dancing movements to help with the pregnancy and giving birth. When I finished up at work, I had a lot of spare time at home to practice the movements and it gave me a nice feeling, helped with the heartburn and I think it was just a really positive thing I did for myself. I wanted to keep moving, keep dancing, and I knew that I could trust these movements not to harm me or the baby. I believe that they also helped to turn Tobias towards my uterus and kept his head down-facing. I was confident I would be able to have a natural birth as bub never went into a breech position.
When my birthing started I put on my calming playlist (I’ll talk about this in tip 3.) and during/between surges I used some of the techniques to ease some of the discomfort and also help baby downwards with shimmies and wave motions. If you’re in Perth and think you’d like to give this a go contact Rachel, her details can be found on her website thebirthlady.com.au
Visualisation & breathing my baby into the world
The antenatal classes at the hospital were pretty good although it took a village to get me there as I was still working at the time and a few times I was either too exhausted to go or I forgot completely. I was supposed to go to the May sessions, but ended up making it to the June ones in the end. However it’s true what they say, that no matter how prepared you think you are, you don’t know anything until it’s actually happening to you. It’s just one of those things. One thing they did encourage us to do was visit the hospital library to check out the many birthing and parenting resources available.
One of the two books I chose to borrow was about bringing home your newborn (it had some pretty practical instructions about swaddling, coping, nappies, breastfeeding, etc…). The other book was called Hypnobirthing - The Mongan Method. I had seen this term somewhere and I was curious. Although sceptical, the prefix Hypno always sounds a bit suspect to me. Like those magicians you see in movies and on TV that “Hypnotise” their audience members into behaving like chickens or whatever.
Hypnobirthing, as I found out by reading up on it, is not that. At all. The concept behind it is to try and let nature do it’s thing to decrease the pain, fear and tension that is often associated with the modern clinical birthing methods and resulting in unnecessary interference by doctors and midwives.
Unfortunately I couldn’t afford to spend money on the classes, after all we had a newborn on the way. I’m sure that my experience wasn’t totally 100% what the author had in mind, but I did what I could in the remaining 2 months before giving birth, following the guides in the book to prepare myself. This included:
Don’t worry I’m not about to get graphic with this (although I can demonstrate for those interested! he he). I remembered to breathe through the surges which I believed helped greatly with the pain. The visualisation techniques also encourage you to focus on a positive image. It’s funny, the only image I could conjure up in my mind the whole time, throughout the entire 14 hours was the picture of my sister and her partner Andrew on their wedding day in the middle of a beautiful tropical jungle scenery. I was happy about that. She was overseas at the time of Tobias’s birth and was disappointed she couldn’t be there, but because of this visualisation, in some way, she was.
I’m not ashamed to admit that I did also need the ‘happy gas’ and about ¾ of the way through I asked for morphine. Mum suggested that this would just take the edge off the surges and she was right. I think it’s important for women to know that there is no shame in requesting pain relief if they need it. And it should be up to them to decide. I personally was dead against having an epidural, but I know for some other women, they were so glad they did.
I managed a natural birth. I suffered a tear, but still, Tobias was born into the world by my strength and I am so proud of myself for this. I had a great support team around me. My mum and Dan were in the room and the midwives Paula, Helen and student midwife Rachel, were all a huge blessing. I also had many supporters on the exterior. All the friends and family waiting on the arrival of little Tobias. That brings me to the last and final tip I can give, that helped my positive birthing experience.
Leaving social expectations behind
As I mentioned in the first tip, during my pregnancy it wasn’t always easy for me to go out and be my normal social self. In the final days of my pregnancy I was getting quite impatient. I wanted out, had enough of the bump, enough of the heartburn and enough of the questions “are you in labour yet?”
Tobias took his time. My expected due date had come and gone and still we had no sign of movement. That day in fact, I decided to disconnect from social media. This was honestly a hard move to make, but I would say it’s one of the best decisions I made during my entire pregnancy. I switched off notifications and I was only in contact with my partner and my mum (the two people who would be there on the day of the birth). I’m sure that this move also added some anxiety, but in other ways it allowed me to be selfish and spend time just relaxing and preparing. I guess I “nested”, but I wasn’t one of those people who made up a beautiful nursery or anything like that. For one thing, we were living in a 2 bedroom apartment with Dan’s brother, no room for a nursery. I just got things ready from a practical sense. Made sure his dresser was stocked, that we had all the medical supplies, linens, nappies and wipes ready to go.
Disconnecting from the world around us was a strange but important decision for me. I didn’t want to know if people were waiting expectantly or if they were just getting on with life while we waited for Tobias. I didn’t want to feel pressure or impatience from anyone. I also didn’t want to live update people through the whole process. Too often the notifications, the posting, the nature of “social media” is nothing more than a distraction.
Dan was very supportive of my decision. Even after Tobias was born we issued a no-post policy to our nearest and dearest and it wasn’t until about the 6 week mark that we first went online with anything publicly. It was nice to update our closest people privately, to call and send personalised messages and photos. We are so thankful to the many people in our court, cheering us on as we entered this new stage of our lives. It was nice to leave the social expectations behind for a little while, to give our little boy all the attention he deserves. Still to this day, we give him as much as we possibly can. I love to tell him how much his mummy & daddy love him. At least 50 times a day :)
The week of unexpected, slightly traumatic but ultimately impeccable timing
Don’t get me wrong, the word trauma is usually not associated with other words like blessing, positivity and happiness. But for us, on the week of Tobias’ birth, these words went hand in hand. For our family, 2018 was a big year. I mean really BIG! In March, my youngest sister Emily got married to her partner of 9 years Andrew. And in December of 2017 both myself and second youngest sister, Catherine, announced our pregnancies. I was due in July and Catherine 1 month later. I think you might be able to guess where this is going.
You see Tobias, as I mentioned earlier was overcooked by 6 days. He was due on the Wednesday and arrived on the following Monday. Emily and Andrew, who had booked their honeymoon months in advance, were on a plane that day, despite trying to time the honeymoon after Tobias’ birth and before Catherine’s expected due date. Needless to say, timing is everything. Okay, so they’d missed Tobias’ birth, there’s still a month to go, they’d be back in plenty of time to be there for Catherine & the birth of her baby… right?
Catherine came to visit us the day after Tobias was born, along with my dad and Dan’s siblings. It was a nice visit, although we got a talking to by the midwife on duty because we hadn’t taken notice of the sign that said ‘visiting hours are from 3pm-8pm’. Woops! Well that was by far the least amount of trouble that would come our way that week.
The day after that, Catherine was admitted to hospital because she couldn't feel her baby moving. Catherine said that she felt clammy and dizzy as if something wasn't right. The hospital staff did an ultrasound and checked her heart rate then proceeded to rush them into emergency theatre. They went in at 12.45pm and baby Amara was born into the world at 1.03pm ended up having an emergency c-section. Her baby, Amara, had surprised us by arriving in the world nearly a month before she was due. Tobias’ little cousin was so eager to meet us that she hastily rocketed into the world. Little miracle baby Amara.
Don’t worry, both Catherine and Amara are perfectly healthy now. But the week was stressful for my parents, trying to be there for all of us. Emily and Andrew missed both of the births - Emily has given each of the little ones a talking to about timing (not that they could comprehend what she was babbling about :P), and it took about 3 weeks before I was well enough and able to meet my beautiful little niece.
With the stress of these events, mum’s AF (atrial fibrillation - a heart thing) presented so not only was she visiting hospitals but also had to be admitted a couple of times herself! Our support network was fragmented, broken in some ways. It wouldn’t last forever, but during that week, not only was I overwhelmed from the birth and taking care of a newborn, but I was sad I couldn’t be there for my sister and frustrated that my family couldn’t fully be there for me.
I broke down several times over the next week or so. Out of the long list of instructions from the midwives, the two that kept coming back to me were “sleep when your baby sleeps” and “use your support network”. In the midst of everything that had happened that week, they both felt like impossible tasks. My anxiety (although I didn’t know it yet) was making it impossible for me to put things into perspective. 30 years old and I’d never experienced anything as life-changing as the week of Tobias & Amara’s births. I ended up getting help, although a few times I denied that there was a problem. It took a panic attack, a trip to the EC later and three different psychologists until I finally trusted one enough to accept the help she was so kindly offering. I am so grateful though. This crazy week brought me to my knees but I believe it fortified me. My strength and resilience as a mother is greater than I ever thought possible. I know that there are so many things you can never prepare yourself for, but I’m learning to go with the flow of it. I now accept each new challenge as something to be conquered rather than feared.
Coming home
No doubt, coming home from hospital, and the days that followed, wasn't smooth sailing. Where there were dark clouds and rocky seas there were just as many blue skies and moments of peace. I have experienced many moments of happiness wading in the shallow shores and beautiful beaches of parenthood. I deliver the latter metaphors somewhat ironically as we came home from the hospital in the dead of the rainy cold Perth winter. On the trip home we had to stop off at the pharmacy. Dan went inside to get the supplies and I stayed inside the warm vehicle just staring, in awe of this little person we were bringing home with us. I was mesmerised by him.
Reentering the apartment for the first time was a luxury I welcomed with open arms. I remember so clearly the first time I slipped my socks off in bed at home. At the hospital I was always wearing socks, except for the shower. My feet felt clammy and moist from sweat. I continued to wear socks at home for the first couple of days before I realised that I didn't need to. It was a bizarre habit to hang on to and such freeing experience when I finally let go of it. My feet felt cool against the sheets and I smiled at the liberty, the coolness and the metaphor - freeing my feet, freeing myself of the discomforts of hospital confinement.
Despite the experiences that other mums may have had, I didn’t like being in hospital. I was overwhelmed with all the information laid on my by the well-intentioned nurses and midwives. I felt lonely and isolated at nighttime. Breastfeeding was so difficult that I was holding my child and helplessly blubbering while the midwives attempted to aid me, or squeeze my boob juices into a cup to give my baby the tiniest amount of nourishment (which, by the way is enough for them in the early days). This is a positive story though - sorry to shed light on some of the darkness, but if you’ve been there before you might agree with me that with sunshine comes rainy days. I wanted to share the realness, not just the fuzzy warm yummy bits. I hope that’s okay, and if it doesn’t conform to the normative positive birth story, I apologize.
At the hospital I missed Dan most of all as he wasn’t allowed to stay with us after 10.00pm. We would call and message, but I was in quite a bit of discomfort so I felt like I couldn’t always muster up the energy to converse/text. The loneliness was somewhat calmed by the little bundle of cuteness lying beside me. It didn’t occur to me to pick him up when I was feeling like this. Even when he was awake, it was bizarre, I felt I could only try to feed him, change him and put him back down. For those mums who’ve been through this, is that normal? I’m sure other mothers out there would be picking up and cuddling their little one any chance they could get. I don’t know if it was the discomfort, the lack of energy or the overwhelmed feelings I was having due to the anxiety, but yeah, it just never occurred to me that I could just hug him if I needed cheering up. I’m making sure I get lots of cuddles in now. Making up for the lost time in those first few days as well as savouring the moments that I know won't last forever.
Having a baby changed my routine up as well. Before Tobias I struggled to get up for work each day and on weekends I would always try to sleep in. I'm awake now, 6.30am (already been up for an hour) and watching another beautiful sunrise. I watch the sunrise every morning now with Tobias. This morning's sun came with a surprise rain shower. I was looking down at my phone when I heard the sound begin to beat down on our roof. I looked outside and could see the gushing running water from the sky. My baby introduced me to 5am. And each day I am smiling when the sun comes up knowing that from now on I will always see the sunrise.
Everytime I look at my little boy, everytime he smiles or moves his arms in his sleep, every time he makes his poop face I feel proud and amazed and just so much joy for our little boy.
The day I took the test Danilo (Dan) was out at work. I didn't know for sure, I just had a feeling as I was about a week late *I think. I took one test, the line was there - pregnant - but it was faint. I couldn't be sure that the line was really there. So I took another test. The same faint line appeared. I was nervous. I had wanted this, right? I had stopped taking the pill 2 months ago, I was eating a Ketogenic diet which meant I was feeling very healthy and natural. I was sure that if these tests were accurate, I wanted this. I kept thinking about Dan though. What would his reaction be? We've been together 4 years. Is that long enough? He's a few years younger than me. Is he ready? I held onto the news, hid the tests and booked myself a doctors appointment. I wasn't going to tell Dan until after the doctor confirmed, however the night before the appointment I was feeling nervous and had butterflies in my stomach. I think it was about 9pm on a Thursday night. Dan couldn't touch me without me shaking, trembling, heart pounding. I started tearing up. I think I mumbled the word “Embarazada” - Spanish for pregnant. Dan, being Dan, didn't let on straight away that he knew what I'd said. So in English I repeated ‘We might be having a baby’. I can’t remember how the next few moments went in the order exactly but there was hugging, kisses, tears and reassurance. The tears were a mixture of joy (from both of us) and relief (from my eyes) as I was so uncertain - even though I had no reason to be - of what his reaction would be. *Phew* big sigh. He’s happy, we’re doing this! …. Oh gosh, we’re doing this!?!
-- side note to the story: A week after giving birth I was diagnosed with Anxiety. I’m not going to deny that so much of my pregnancy was full of back and forth emotions, worries and doubts. But I’m sitting here now with my beautiful healthy 2 month old Tobias and can confidently say - whatever stage you’re at - you can do this! --
The next day at the doctor’s office, my GP didn’t even question the fact that I thought I was pregnant. It was just a fact. You’re pregnant, now this is what you need to do next (ultrasound, start on pregnancy vitamins). I was a little bit in disbelief. These tests which were so faint and to me seemed a bit sketchy were absolute and affirmative in this doctors mind.
As I mentioned earlier I was un-diagnosed living with anxiety and a soon to become a mother, but I was also determined to make my experience as positive and pleasant as possible (ha ha! You may be chuckling to yourself and that's okay. Permission to laugh at my optimism - granted). In a way, I self-diagnosed without realising what my ailment was - I naively thought that my situation was the ailment (pregnancy). However I’m by nature a planner so i began researching and took myself on a journey by putting in place some mechanisms to help me cope. So here they are -
The 4 things that helped me cope through pregnancy & giving birth:
Something to occupy my hands (and my mind)In the final months leading up to Tobias’ birth it was getting harder to go out to my normal social activities. I was fidgety and uncomfortable - other mums may have different experiences - I had heartburn, bruised ribs and generally felt awkward going out to things like dancing, exercise classes and other gatherings where the main conversation would consist of “wow, you don’t even look pregnant” (yeah, right!), “how long have you got to go?” “make sure you get sleep now, while you can!” (I was already having trouble sleeping because of the bump and the aforementioned predicaments).
Staying at home was making me a bit stir crazy. I was reading, netflix + chilling, researching babies and how to care for them, but still there were times when I’d just want my mind to stop worrying *anxiety*. I wanted to shut off. Then something popped up on my facebook feed and I was like, “that’s easy. I can do that”. It was a Friendship Bracelet tutorial, specifically for the ‘rope bracelets’.
I bought some rainbow wool and began spinning these out. Choosing different lengths, trying to match up the colours to make different patterns. I was amused by the video tag line “try this cool NEW trend” he he. Being 30 years of age, this was a nostalgic return to my youth, but hey I’m glad a new generation is discovering the same fun that we once had with skoobies. Spinning the wheel and producing something so colourful was soothing and helped keep me sane. I was also playing a lot of phone games and sketching. These are just some of my other mind occupying past-times.
If I can offer any advice to expecting mothers, don’t pressure yourself to keep to your usual social schedule. If you can keep it up, that’s so great and I am super impressed! :) But for those of you struggling, wanting to hide away some days, I say that’s absolutely 100% fine too. But it does get a bit lonely (although you’re not really alone *wink wink*) and it helps to have some mindful hobbies to keep you calm and peaceful while you’re in your hidey hole.
Dancing around the birthing suite
This second tip is probably not for everyone, but for me it was super helpful and a wonderful, fun, approach to my birthing day. To give you a bit of back story, I am a dancer. For the past 6 years I’ve been teaching Zumba Fitness and participating in other social dance activities and festivals. I love to dance and it was one of my fears/worries that being pregnant and going through labour would change me. It did change me, but my love of dancing hasn’t changed. Sure it’s more difficult to get to classes/social events right now while I’m taking care of a little bub, but it’s not impossible. I’ve been to as many as my body/bubby allows and have plans to continue, even get back to teaching at some point in the not too distant future.
Going back to my pregnancy, I was feeling my body changing and unable to continue with my usual activities, I still wanted to do something. Then about 5 months pregnant, I’d seen a friend advertising her Birth Dancing classes. She is a bellydance teacher, so I was intrigued and thought, ‘this is something that I can definitely do, to keep me dancing at least’. The couple of lessons I went to ended up being private lessons. Rachel, the teacher, took me through a number of belly dancing movements to help with the pregnancy and giving birth. When I finished up at work, I had a lot of spare time at home to practice the movements and it gave me a nice feeling, helped with the heartburn and I think it was just a really positive thing I did for myself. I wanted to keep moving, keep dancing, and I knew that I could trust these movements not to harm me or the baby. I believe that they also helped to turn Tobias towards my uterus and kept his head down-facing. I was confident I would be able to have a natural birth as bub never went into a breech position.
When my birthing started I put on my calming playlist (I’ll talk about this in tip 3.) and during/between surges I used some of the techniques to ease some of the discomfort and also help baby downwards with shimmies and wave motions. If you’re in Perth and think you’d like to give this a go contact Rachel, her details can be found on her website thebirthlady.com.au
Visualisation & breathing my baby into the world
The antenatal classes at the hospital were pretty good although it took a village to get me there as I was still working at the time and a few times I was either too exhausted to go or I forgot completely. I was supposed to go to the May sessions, but ended up making it to the June ones in the end. However it’s true what they say, that no matter how prepared you think you are, you don’t know anything until it’s actually happening to you. It’s just one of those things. One thing they did encourage us to do was visit the hospital library to check out the many birthing and parenting resources available.
One of the two books I chose to borrow was about bringing home your newborn (it had some pretty practical instructions about swaddling, coping, nappies, breastfeeding, etc…). The other book was called Hypnobirthing - The Mongan Method. I had seen this term somewhere and I was curious. Although sceptical, the prefix Hypno always sounds a bit suspect to me. Like those magicians you see in movies and on TV that “Hypnotise” their audience members into behaving like chickens or whatever.
Hypnobirthing, as I found out by reading up on it, is not that. At all. The concept behind it is to try and let nature do it’s thing to decrease the pain, fear and tension that is often associated with the modern clinical birthing methods and resulting in unnecessary interference by doctors and midwives.
Unfortunately I couldn’t afford to spend money on the classes, after all we had a newborn on the way. I’m sure that my experience wasn’t totally 100% what the author had in mind, but I did what I could in the remaining 2 months before giving birth, following the guides in the book to prepare myself. This included:
- Creating my playlist for the birthing - as I mentioned earlier - which contained a lot of calming gentle songs, some Ed Sheeran and my favourite bachata songs;
- Practicing the various breathing techniques; and
- Youtubing hypnobirthing visualisation techniques, practicing getting into that relaxed state to allow my body to do what it was designed to do.
Don’t worry I’m not about to get graphic with this (although I can demonstrate for those interested! he he). I remembered to breathe through the surges which I believed helped greatly with the pain. The visualisation techniques also encourage you to focus on a positive image. It’s funny, the only image I could conjure up in my mind the whole time, throughout the entire 14 hours was the picture of my sister and her partner Andrew on their wedding day in the middle of a beautiful tropical jungle scenery. I was happy about that. She was overseas at the time of Tobias’s birth and was disappointed she couldn’t be there, but because of this visualisation, in some way, she was.
I’m not ashamed to admit that I did also need the ‘happy gas’ and about ¾ of the way through I asked for morphine. Mum suggested that this would just take the edge off the surges and she was right. I think it’s important for women to know that there is no shame in requesting pain relief if they need it. And it should be up to them to decide. I personally was dead against having an epidural, but I know for some other women, they were so glad they did.
I managed a natural birth. I suffered a tear, but still, Tobias was born into the world by my strength and I am so proud of myself for this. I had a great support team around me. My mum and Dan were in the room and the midwives Paula, Helen and student midwife Rachel, were all a huge blessing. I also had many supporters on the exterior. All the friends and family waiting on the arrival of little Tobias. That brings me to the last and final tip I can give, that helped my positive birthing experience.
Leaving social expectations behind
As I mentioned in the first tip, during my pregnancy it wasn’t always easy for me to go out and be my normal social self. In the final days of my pregnancy I was getting quite impatient. I wanted out, had enough of the bump, enough of the heartburn and enough of the questions “are you in labour yet?”
Tobias took his time. My expected due date had come and gone and still we had no sign of movement. That day in fact, I decided to disconnect from social media. This was honestly a hard move to make, but I would say it’s one of the best decisions I made during my entire pregnancy. I switched off notifications and I was only in contact with my partner and my mum (the two people who would be there on the day of the birth). I’m sure that this move also added some anxiety, but in other ways it allowed me to be selfish and spend time just relaxing and preparing. I guess I “nested”, but I wasn’t one of those people who made up a beautiful nursery or anything like that. For one thing, we were living in a 2 bedroom apartment with Dan’s brother, no room for a nursery. I just got things ready from a practical sense. Made sure his dresser was stocked, that we had all the medical supplies, linens, nappies and wipes ready to go.
Disconnecting from the world around us was a strange but important decision for me. I didn’t want to know if people were waiting expectantly or if they were just getting on with life while we waited for Tobias. I didn’t want to feel pressure or impatience from anyone. I also didn’t want to live update people through the whole process. Too often the notifications, the posting, the nature of “social media” is nothing more than a distraction.
Dan was very supportive of my decision. Even after Tobias was born we issued a no-post policy to our nearest and dearest and it wasn’t until about the 6 week mark that we first went online with anything publicly. It was nice to update our closest people privately, to call and send personalised messages and photos. We are so thankful to the many people in our court, cheering us on as we entered this new stage of our lives. It was nice to leave the social expectations behind for a little while, to give our little boy all the attention he deserves. Still to this day, we give him as much as we possibly can. I love to tell him how much his mummy & daddy love him. At least 50 times a day :)
The week of unexpected, slightly traumatic but ultimately impeccable timingDon’t get me wrong, the word trauma is usually not associated with other words like blessing, positivity and happiness. But for us, on the week of Tobias’ birth, these words went hand in hand. For our family, 2018 was a big year. I mean really BIG! In March, my youngest sister Emily got married to her partner of 9 years Andrew. And in December of 2017 both myself and second youngest sister, Catherine, announced our pregnancies. I was due in July and Catherine 1 month later. I think you might be able to guess where this is going.
You see Tobias, as I mentioned earlier was overcooked by 6 days. He was due on the Wednesday and arrived on the following Monday. Emily and Andrew, who had booked their honeymoon months in advance, were on a plane that day, despite trying to time the honeymoon after Tobias’ birth and before Catherine’s expected due date. Needless to say, timing is everything. Okay, so they’d missed Tobias’ birth, there’s still a month to go, they’d be back in plenty of time to be there for Catherine & the birth of her baby… right?
Catherine came to visit us the day after Tobias was born, along with my dad and Dan’s siblings. It was a nice visit, although we got a talking to by the midwife on duty because we hadn’t taken notice of the sign that said ‘visiting hours are from 3pm-8pm’. Woops! Well that was by far the least amount of trouble that would come our way that week.
The day after that, Catherine was admitted to hospital because she couldn't feel her baby moving. Catherine said that she felt clammy and dizzy as if something wasn't right. The hospital staff did an ultrasound and checked her heart rate then proceeded to rush them into emergency theatre. They went in at 12.45pm and baby Amara was born into the world at 1.03pm ended up having an emergency c-section. Her baby, Amara, had surprised us by arriving in the world nearly a month before she was due. Tobias’ little cousin was so eager to meet us that she hastily rocketed into the world. Little miracle baby Amara.
Don’t worry, both Catherine and Amara are perfectly healthy now. But the week was stressful for my parents, trying to be there for all of us. Emily and Andrew missed both of the births - Emily has given each of the little ones a talking to about timing (not that they could comprehend what she was babbling about :P), and it took about 3 weeks before I was well enough and able to meet my beautiful little niece.
With the stress of these events, mum’s AF (atrial fibrillation - a heart thing) presented so not only was she visiting hospitals but also had to be admitted a couple of times herself! Our support network was fragmented, broken in some ways. It wouldn’t last forever, but during that week, not only was I overwhelmed from the birth and taking care of a newborn, but I was sad I couldn’t be there for my sister and frustrated that my family couldn’t fully be there for me.
I broke down several times over the next week or so. Out of the long list of instructions from the midwives, the two that kept coming back to me were “sleep when your baby sleeps” and “use your support network”. In the midst of everything that had happened that week, they both felt like impossible tasks. My anxiety (although I didn’t know it yet) was making it impossible for me to put things into perspective. 30 years old and I’d never experienced anything as life-changing as the week of Tobias & Amara’s births. I ended up getting help, although a few times I denied that there was a problem. It took a panic attack, a trip to the EC later and three different psychologists until I finally trusted one enough to accept the help she was so kindly offering. I am so grateful though. This crazy week brought me to my knees but I believe it fortified me. My strength and resilience as a mother is greater than I ever thought possible. I know that there are so many things you can never prepare yourself for, but I’m learning to go with the flow of it. I now accept each new challenge as something to be conquered rather than feared.
Coming home
No doubt, coming home from hospital, and the days that followed, wasn't smooth sailing. Where there were dark clouds and rocky seas there were just as many blue skies and moments of peace. I have experienced many moments of happiness wading in the shallow shores and beautiful beaches of parenthood. I deliver the latter metaphors somewhat ironically as we came home from the hospital in the dead of the rainy cold Perth winter. On the trip home we had to stop off at the pharmacy. Dan went inside to get the supplies and I stayed inside the warm vehicle just staring, in awe of this little person we were bringing home with us. I was mesmerised by him.
Reentering the apartment for the first time was a luxury I welcomed with open arms. I remember so clearly the first time I slipped my socks off in bed at home. At the hospital I was always wearing socks, except for the shower. My feet felt clammy and moist from sweat. I continued to wear socks at home for the first couple of days before I realised that I didn't need to. It was a bizarre habit to hang on to and such freeing experience when I finally let go of it. My feet felt cool against the sheets and I smiled at the liberty, the coolness and the metaphor - freeing my feet, freeing myself of the discomforts of hospital confinement.
Despite the experiences that other mums may have had, I didn’t like being in hospital. I was overwhelmed with all the information laid on my by the well-intentioned nurses and midwives. I felt lonely and isolated at nighttime. Breastfeeding was so difficult that I was holding my child and helplessly blubbering while the midwives attempted to aid me, or squeeze my boob juices into a cup to give my baby the tiniest amount of nourishment (which, by the way is enough for them in the early days). This is a positive story though - sorry to shed light on some of the darkness, but if you’ve been there before you might agree with me that with sunshine comes rainy days. I wanted to share the realness, not just the fuzzy warm yummy bits. I hope that’s okay, and if it doesn’t conform to the normative positive birth story, I apologize.
At the hospital I missed Dan most of all as he wasn’t allowed to stay with us after 10.00pm. We would call and message, but I was in quite a bit of discomfort so I felt like I couldn’t always muster up the energy to converse/text. The loneliness was somewhat calmed by the little bundle of cuteness lying beside me. It didn’t occur to me to pick him up when I was feeling like this. Even when he was awake, it was bizarre, I felt I could only try to feed him, change him and put him back down. For those mums who’ve been through this, is that normal? I’m sure other mothers out there would be picking up and cuddling their little one any chance they could get. I don’t know if it was the discomfort, the lack of energy or the overwhelmed feelings I was having due to the anxiety, but yeah, it just never occurred to me that I could just hug him if I needed cheering up. I’m making sure I get lots of cuddles in now. Making up for the lost time in those first few days as well as savouring the moments that I know won't last forever.
Having a baby changed my routine up as well. Before Tobias I struggled to get up for work each day and on weekends I would always try to sleep in. I'm awake now, 6.30am (already been up for an hour) and watching another beautiful sunrise. I watch the sunrise every morning now with Tobias. This morning's sun came with a surprise rain shower. I was looking down at my phone when I heard the sound begin to beat down on our roof. I looked outside and could see the gushing running water from the sky. My baby introduced me to 5am. And each day I am smiling when the sun comes up knowing that from now on I will always see the sunrise.
Everytime I look at my little boy, everytime he smiles or moves his arms in his sleep, every time he makes his poop face I feel proud and amazed and just so much joy for our little boy.
If you have any questions about any of the tips I’ve shared or even if you would like to share your positive birth story with me, please don’t hesitate to PM me (if you’re reading this on Facebook) or email me at vikki.psd@gmail.com I’d love to hear from you. :) xx
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